Have you seen Jacqueline Novak’s Netflix comedy special, Get On Your Knees?
In this stand-up event, Novak pours out a brilliant monologue about fellatio that has all the signs of literary genius. Ultimately, it is a coming of age story and an inspiring tale of how she came (hehe) to give a helluva’ blow job.
At one point in the show, Novak shares the time she spilled the tea to her boyfriend. She tells him the part of her life story that explains her especially adept abilities, her area of expertise, if you will.
She tells him exactly how she came to give such an amazing blow job. But instead of celebrating her skill, he gives her a less than stellar review: “[…] you give kind of a toothy blow job.”
In the following excerpt, Novak is reeling from the gut punch of his response and reflects on why it just feels so wrong. (Transcript thanks to Scraps From the Loft)
“[…He] just throws it at me and destroys me. And I feel wronged. I feel… I feel so wronged. And why, and it’s ’cause… [exhaling] I know that I cast the most generous gaze upon him, you know? I poeticize all of his flaws in real time. I love to poeticize a flaw, you know?
And yes, I coddle the male ego. But it’s real, you know, a thousand things throughout the day just to bolster the male spirit. You know, 1,000 unspoken things, a constant vigilance, sort of.
Keeping up a steady stream of laughter going under a man’s speech just in case anything he says is intended as humorous. I have to lay a base… [laughing] …so there’s something to modulate. “Oh, it’s supposed to be funny?” [laughs] [audience laughing] Right? If it’s a dry riverbed, the pops aren’t believable.
I’m brilliant in a restaurant. You know, if a man I’m with… if he makes an error in his order, like he orders tahini, he meant tabouli, and now he’s confused why “salad dressing” has arrived at the table. “Where’s my tahini?” he says.
What do I do? I go along on the mystery with him. “Oh I have no clue what happened. I was totally spaced out like I always am.” “You know me, the ditz. But let me grab a lantern, I love a mystery.” [audience laughing]
“The only thing I know for sure is the answer to this riddle, it couldn’t be, it would never be, that you didn’t know a word.” [audience laughing]
The D chord. I mean the D chord. I’ve learned 1,000 D chords on 1,000 guitars from 1,000 musician boyfriends. I know how to form the D chord by now, but show me again, bright angel, you know. [audience laughing] “That’s not it. That’s not it. Help me move my fingers.” “Help me make music.”
It’s a… it’s a vigilance. It’s a child-proofing, just sort of laying down bumpers. Like, quick, quick, set them up. He’s almost here. He’s almost here. Is everything ready? Make sure. He’s almost here. Just making sure. Just making sure, you know, that it’s safe for the man to kind of just… toddle on through his day like a drunken king, having no clue how many times he came this close to emotionally just perishing, if not for my intervention alone. Just getting things out of the way and just watching you carefully. [audience laughing]
Every guy, you know. Every guy I’ve, like, dated, met, worked for, worked for me, all of them.
[sighs] Poeticizing their flaw, and I love to do it. And I do it without breaking a sweat. To not do the same for me on just this one thing? […]”
Novak’s rant had me weak with laughter. I can so deeply identify with “feel(ing) so wronged” by men at work that I’ve laid out the proverbial red carpet for to help them feel comfortable, welcome, and accepted despite their glaring weaknesses. Only to find that they weren’t willing to offer the slightest bit of grace for my flaws in return.
Like, men, do you really think we don’t see you? Do you really think you are that over the top amazing?
But honestly, this one sided cheerleading stings when it happens. But for women in male dominated environments, it does much more than sting. Women impacted by unbalanced loads of criticism for their imperfections will, amongst other things, be viewed more negatively by their peers, work twice as hard and still miss advancement opportunities.
In seeking solutions, people can be quick to ask why women would even participate in this game? Why cover for men and “poeticize their flaws”?
But instead of pressuring women to go against their natural proclivity towards kindness, why not pressure men to simply …return the favor?
‘s article, 7 Pieces of Bad Career Advice Women Should Ignore comes to mind.“Women are constantly told to change their vocabulary — to make it less apologetic and more assertive. “Don’t use the word ‘just’ as a qualifier.” “Stop saying ‘sorry’ all the time.” “Don’t ask for permission,” and so on. But guess what? The world would be a much better place, and the workplace a great deal happier, if instead of telling women to say sorry less, we told men to say sorry a whole lot more. The truth is, we need to worry less about editing women, and more about editing incompetent and inappropriate men.”
When we make an effort to smooth over the rough places we see in our colleagues - is this not mostly kindergarten level training that we are talking about here?
Be Kind. Treat others as you would like to be treated.
Not to mention, that if I, as a woman, were to take a day at work and decide not to cover a man’s flaws, I would (and have) pay a severe price for it.
This is a complex and many layered issue, to be sure. But remember, if you aren’t actively part of the solution then you are part of the problem. Still, I can’t help but wonder if some men might do well to, ya know, get on their knees.
🥰🥰🥰